Seriously, don't take it for granted. It's an amazing thing.
|It feels like this photo was taken a million summers ago. It was just two years ago.|
And then I wasn't.
And it sucks.
Let me tell ya about estrogen and how it factors into all this.
Once upon a time in a land called December 2013, I had a hysterectomy. When I woke up from the hysterectomy and in the following months, I began to notice a change. At first, it seemed to be out of sorts and then estrogen seemed to come back at an influx. I actually wanted sex. I felt sexual. I felt energetic. I felt ready to get back into life.
Lately, not so much.
I have a doctor appointment at the end of July or the beginning of August and I cannot wait. I will be my own advocate and ask the doctor to test my estrogen/ testosterone levels. I will ask for estrogen supplements. I will take my life back.
Want to know how it feel being on this side? Let me share, in case you ever find yourself feeling like you are going crazy:
I'm hot. So hot. Not like sexy, on fire, everybody wants me hot. Hot, in its literal definition. I would love for the air to be at 65 in our house all day long, but that's expensive. The heat seems to come from within and radiate out. It's intense and it kinda changes my mood.
Speaking of which... I am a moody b^&%h at times. I try my best to control it and not let it show, but inside I kind of rage for random stuff or for nothing at all. I become super sad all of a sudden. I become super depressed and just feel so out of sorts. And then happiness comes back. And then it leaves. I feel totally unlike myself. This is not me.
I'm so tired. I can't keep my eyes open sometimes. There is nothing I can do to stay alert. At the start of the day, I am exhausted. About an hour into the day, energy has found me and I can't wait to get home and go for a four mile run. And then the energy leaves me all at once and all I can think about is getting home and sleeping. It's a cycle. Lately, my ideal weekend would be staying in all day and sleeping, but there is so much to do here at the house and it's always nice to go somewhere for a few hours with my husband, so I suck it up. But as soon as I hit the bed, I am done...
Speaking of the bed, sleeping is about all that happens there. I went from having a ridiculously high sex drive (when I was running all the time) to a little more relaxed drive (when I stopped running as much) to almost no sex drive to speak of. Our sex life went from several times a week to once a month, if that. I love having sex with my husband, but it sure is tough to find that motivation.
And even when I find the motivation, I am like a desert. I used to have no problem being lubricated on my own, but now the times that I am actually naturally lubricated throughout the experience are few and far between. It certainly doesn't add to my feelings of sexiness.
Weight gain also doesn't make me feel sexy. I am trying to feel sexy, to feel beautiful, to feel pretty, to feel cute, to feel wanted, but without sex, without clothes that fit well, without defined muscular legs and arms, it's tough. Yeah, you can think, "Well, if you know what will fix it, then do what needs to be done. Get off your ass and lose weight." I am the first one to say if you don't like something change it. I know what it takes; I lost 57 pounds at one point. But when I can't find the energy to go running, it's hard as heck. And when I can't stock my kitchen with only banana smoothies for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, and edamame (the large amount of soy I used to consume if not good for women who have a cancer risk; who knew?) and water for dinner like I used to when I was thin and fit, it's tough to stay thin without exercise.
I really think a lot of that is a vicious cycle. My husband and I don't have sex, so I get a little sad. I get sad and then I get even more tired because of the emotion. I get tired so I can't run. I can't run so I gain weight. I gain weight so I don't feel sexy. I don't feel sexy so I don't want sex. We don't have sex so I get sad.
What was I saying?
Memory loss is another thing. I can't remember the most basic things sometimes. I can't recall nouns. I point for Sergio to place a vase on a table and all I can say is "Place the thing on the thing." I can't remember anything without writing it down. I have lists on lists on lists. Thank goodness for all those phone apps.
I over share all of this simply because I think it's important to open discussions about all of this so that other women know you aren't crazy because of the things you might be feeling and you are not alone. I also think it's important to be your own advocate. I am making lists of all the symptoms I am feeling so that when my doctor talks with me in a few weeks, I can supply him with an accurate list of everything I am feeling. When I last spoke with him over the phone, he said that it's important for me to write down everything I am feeling so that we can determine the next best course of action.
I certainly hope there's an answer. I can't take sweating in 70 degree weather and feeling sad/depressed/unattractive all the time. It's not how we are supposed to live and feel and think. We have the right to feel healthy and beautiful and happy.